It is so easy to get caught up in the validation of other humans and to desire that same affirmation from someone else every time that you come back; but, I can’t believe it, can’t see it, can’t know it unless I find it in myself first. I have to remember how much I love being by myself. I take myself out to the movies and to coffee shops. I get to stay as long as I want and wander the halls of my mind without worrying about anybody else. I sing to myself as I walk around looking at architecture and smelling flowers; admiring the world and my inner landscape as I go. Sometimes I will make a new friend because I am out in the world and completely open to anything, with nothing to distract me besides my surroundings and my own monkey mind. I will think of an idea and then I will be able to spontaneously act on it right in that moment, or later, depending on how I feel. The only person I need to check-in with is myself. I can wallow in my darkness and sort through my negative self-talk, finding my way back to being okay. I am free to be whatever I want in each moment and to find where I am in the kaleidoscope of feelings for that day without someone else’s energy to consider. I get to see and remember who I am.
I understand that I am dramatic, so I give myself leeway to come up with ultimatums and then laugh at myself when they are always over the top, “You don’t really mean that!” I’ll say to myself and I’ll end up smiling because I can see through myself when I am alone. I am always inside of my own head, so I am the only person I will ever truly get to know. Even when I am surrounded by people I am still just hanging out with myself. I am in charge of my own mind and I have only ever been able to understand my own experience, which is how I am able to relate to other people. I keep picking up new experiences and trying different things so I can understand what it’s like, and then I am able to share that with other people and see if that is how they experienced it too. I can only speak for myself and I have to be my own best friend; my own support; my own strength; my own voice; my own hero.
Sometimes it feels like an act, like I am just pretending to love being alone but am secretly waiting for a kindred spirit to come jumping out of the woodwork, so I can get wrapped up in someone else’s life and ride their energy into the sunset on some new, wild adventure. I will feel desperate and bored with myself because I have lost my spark or willingness to follow through on ideas that I come up with in my brain. I will feel scared and I will wish that there is someone there to cheer me on. But those are the moments where it is the most important to be alone, so nobody will show up and nobody will answer my calls because I have to find my own love again. It is the same as with anything; when you are lost in your own sea of self-love and following your own spirit to whatever suits your fancy, you have the potential to be interrupted or joined by a like-minded spirit in your mutual party of selves. And even then, it is still just a distraction that is entertaining; an opportunity to see if you can still love yourself and hold space for yourself; to see if you continue following your own path; to see if you can risk being rejected by being true to who you are.
It is easy to get lost in other people, to start thinking that they are the reason that you feel happy and magical. I start to think that other people are the ones that are bringing all of the magic, but it has always been inside of me too. We are each bringing our own type of magic into these lives. We are the wizard behind the scenes, orchestrating this whole show!